June 2012
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richwhitelesbian:
*knock knock* whos there? “the cops!!” the cops who? “orange you glad we didnt say banana also your under arrest haha”
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Claire: It's like my skin is orange
Me: You got anything else you want to complain about
Claire: Nope
Me: Well I think you're fat
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richwhitelesbian:
sext: i drive by u holding a sign that says “honk if ur sex horney”. i punch the fuck out of my car horn and shove my fist thru my steering column. “oh yes” i say “oh yes that is me”
richwhitelesbian:
hey girl, you look like my next girlfriend ;) what else do i know about the future? don’t trust the ants. my god, don’t trust the ants.
richwhitelesbian:
on your deathbed before you take your last breath ashton kutcher bursts in the room and shouts “punkd!!! You got punkd!!! Your whole existence was a joke! Your entire life was a horrible farce! You got so punkd!” you laugh cause damn man they got you so bad you got so owned
richwhitelesbian:
sext: u take off your shirt. i take off my pants. i take off another pair of pants. i take off a pair of pants under those pants. i take off an endlessly repeating series of pants. the designs get stranger and increasingly more surreal with every pair. 30 years later i’m still going and we are just as in love as the moment i took off the first pair.
richwhitelesbian:
Cosmo Sax Tip: watch your tongue movements and try to control your breathing
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Telemarketer: Why are shrimp curly?
Tj: Because god made them that way!
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Telemarketer: Can I ask you a question to win a million dollars?
Tj: Can I ask YOU a question to win a million dollars?
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Claire goes for the steal pt. 3: she grabs an old ladies wig and places it upon her head. The steal is a success.
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WatchMine and Claire’s frog is struggling
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Claire: Me and Jess can just sit at the end
Old lady: Shut up we've got it taken care of
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do you ever just really want to ask your grandparents when the last time they had sex was i do
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i’m dttb; down to touch butts
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98% of my life all I do is wish I was camping
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i’m the only person who can truly make me laugh when i’m high i’m so frockin hilarious
kanyewestcoast asked: literally half my pictures on my iPad are of u and jake
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“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses...”
– Oscar Wilde
